Untouchable

Untouchable

I don’t know when it began

I was always so insecure

The funny girl on the side

To satisfy all of your

 

Your little desires and wants

To entertain your little needs

I was always the snack on side, never the main meal

Girls like me are a good time, who cares how we feel?

 

I was never good enough for even a label

See I wasn’t the one to introduce to mom

How can I blame you out of the others, when

No man ever thought I was worth a love song

 

So I spread my legs

Allowing your fingertips

To touch parts of me

I’d kept reserved for only my lover’s lips

 

But many had come

And they all have left

Bruised knees, hickeys on my neck

Why did I allow this shameless theft?

 

I think my legs still stretch

Though my heart is tired

Since high school, my wrists healed

But I still don’t feel desired

 

My hair’s falling out

My soul is weak

These strangers they touch my body once

But leave my heart sick

 

Why am I only your 11pm phone call?

Why am I so approachable at the bar?

If my body is a road trip

Why do none of you motherfuckers have a car?

 

I open my mouth and my home

To men with sugar stained lies

Hoping their touch will make me whole

And not end in depressing goodbyes

 

Sometimes I think to myself

This needs to stop

But everytime that phone beeps

I open myself up, like an overcrowded thrift shop

 

So I cry when it’s two in the afternoon

It’s windy outside and you’re somewhere else

What happened to all those “see you soons?”

 

I’ve held hands with strangers

Kissed lips unknown

My fingertips, they bleed

I’m decaying slowly; to my bones

 

This chest worth 200 instagram likes

These legs worth 1 whiskey sour at the bar

 

Don’t run your hands through my hair

Don’t tickle the back of my neck

Don’t kiss the bridge of my nose

Just for a one night stand’s sake

 

So many had come

None have stayed

I smiled and sucked and cried and begged

Hoping one of those many would validate

 

Validate these insecurities

Validate these scarred wrists, these thick hips

And maybe even stay the night

Because at 22, most nights I still silently cry

 

Opening up these weak legs

This body bleeds and breaks

Time and time again

For cowards that think they look like Drake

 

I wish I was sweeter

And my tongue more shy

I wish my ass was thicker

And my soul less dry

 

I wish I didn’t overthink so much

And subject this temple of mine

To so much criticism

I wish instead I’d made it a shrine

 

I wish I loved myself enough

And was content with solitude

I wish I loved myself enough

To not live my life as just a substitute.

About the Author /

Mirza@absynthe.org

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